The Lodge of Shingebiss

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Thank you thank you thank you

I love getting these class action suit notices telling me that, like, I can get $3 off my next purchase a Ford truck. If I respond within 90 days. And use the credit within 6 months.

Some people rail at trial lawyers about this, pointing out that the asinine scrip dispensed in these settlements is of no use to anybody, and that the only people who win are the lawyers. THESE PEOPLE ARE WRONG!

I think that this is all just a vast conspiracy and that corporations have just come up with a clever way to distribute coupons. We all know that coupons work. They're a great gimmick. And what is the difference between the scrip you get from a class action lawsuit and a coupon? None!

People throwing away your junk mail? Ignoring your newspaper ads? Sending your spam to the bit bucket? Have no fear, that official communication from Judge Tapeworm of the Circuit Court for Turdhole County Ohio will get opened.

But doesn't this approach tarnish the company's reputation? No. Here's why:

1. People who think that all corporations are sinful and should be sued already think the company is evil and its reputation will not be further damaged in their minds. These simpletons make up 1/3 of the population.

2. People who think these lawsuits actually have some relation to justice will believe that the judgment or settlement expiates the company's sins. These naive fools account for another 1/3 of the population.

3. People who know this is all a scam and that the consumer is but a pawn in it, but perhaps disagree on whether lawyers or the corporations are the greater beneficiaries, will just laugh. This group accounts for the remaining 1/3 of the population.

So there you have it. Any company who would like to distribute coupons please send me an email and we will get the lawsuit going next week.

Oh, yeah, this whole thing arose from an email I received about a class action settlement in West v. Carfax, Inc., No. 04-CV-1898, for the silly details of which see http://www.westcarsettlement.com/ . What do you get?


Class Members who remain in the settlement can claim a Voucher good for $20.00 off a vehicle inspection by a designated third party within six months of final approval of the settlement, a Voucher good for two free Carfax Vehicle History Reports from Carfax within one year of final approval of the settlement, a Voucher for one free Carfax Vehicle History Report from Carfax within two years of final approval of the settlement, or a Voucher for 50% off an unlimited number of Carfax Vehicle History Reports (for personal, not commercial use) over 30 consecutive days within three years of final approval of the settlement. The Court will also order Carfax to make certain changes in its disclosures and contracting process with customers.

I have no doubt at all that in long term Carfax will benefit mightily from this grave chastisement.